Wednesday, October 8, 2008

le sigh

hmm I don't know what to think now. Don't get me wrong I think I like my job but I get these really bad headaches and I come home and sleep for hours after I get home from work. It has happened every day that I go to work. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I am spending 4 and a half hours at work and will have another headache. I feel rundown and blah. My feet, knees and lower back are killing me! I know this is part of me getting used to working but I didn't hurt this bad when I worked at Wal-mart and was working 3 eight hour days before I got the stressed induced vertigo.

Right at this moment I can honestly say I'm not happy, I'm depressed and that scares me. I haven't been depressed in a long while. I feel its my obligation to work that I need to help with the bills that I need to do something besides stay at the apartment all day and keep it clean and food on the table for Richard. My stomach is in knots and upset cause I don't know what to do I want to quit but I want to work. I just feel better when I'm home, keeping the place clean and food on the table. I feel like thats where I belong. Its the only thing I'm good at. I am also afraid that I will once again piss my mom off if I quit because I didn't give the job a chance. I am also afraid of making Richard mad. he likes the fact that I have a job but I'm not happy and all I want to do is cry. I'm such a failure I get these jobs then I can't last, I get stressed out, and don't know what to do with about it then feel like crap when I quit because I let my mom and Richard down yet again. Maybe I wasn't cut out to work. I keep telling myself I can do this, but it doesn't work.

I don't know what to do, If I talk to Richard about what I'm feeling he will tell me to hold out and see if it gets better. if I talk to mom she will tell me not to quit that I NEED to work.

No comments: