the passing of time

Fourteen years ago my life changed, I was only 10 years old, I lived in a world filled with barbie dolls, Saturday morning cartoons and if I was lucky donuts for breakfast on Sundays. There wasn't anything bad out to get me I was safe in my own little world or so I thought. That all changed when my dad got sick. Suddenly there was this thing called cancer and an even scarier thing called death. All I knew at that time about death was it took grandparents away so they could sleep and we would see them again some day soon. Dad went to the hospital for surgery, then chemo and Radiation, but was always home when I got home from school. He started spending more time in bed and got sicker and sicker. I would help my mom take care of dad when I was home from school and on the weekends. Soon it was to the point that dad didn't leave the house anymore, school was out for the year so I would take care of dad while mom was at work for 4 hours a day. Then it happened, the thing I thought could never happen, I was woken up at 6am by my mom on June 27th 1994 to the news that my dad had died in his sleep. I didn't want to believe her, I ran into their room to see cops standing there trying to figure out how to get his wedding ring and watch off. I watched as they got his ring off with liquid soap and struggled to find out how his watch worked. I spoke up through my tears and told them that I knew how to get his watch off, if they would let me I would do it. My hands were shaking so bad as I aproached my dad and grabed his wrist to unclasp his watch. I will never forget how cold he felt.
My mom, brother, our pastor and a friend and I all went out to breakfast so us kids wouldn't see dad be taken out of the house, none of us really ate much. I remember that we went to Village Inn, I don't know why I remember that but I do. When we got home dad was gone, I walked into their bedroom and saw his cross taped to the cable box I ripped it off and put it on so I could feel close to him. I stopped wearing it when the chain broke and I almost lost it. I still have his cross, it sits in my jewlery box, where it will stay. The last time I had it out was at my wedding, I had it in my flowers so he could be there with me.
Most of the time now, it feels like dad was never here, like he was some made up person. he's been dead my entire adult life. Hell most of my childhood years and my teen years. Thank god for that cause I don't think he would have liked teen me. I have changed a lot these last 14 years, I learned a lot about me and how I deal with what life has thrown at me. I'm stronger now too, but have abandonment issues. I know one things for sure and thats, that I am still daddys little girl.