*WARNING* Deep blog ahead

I hate when it's time for bed and my brain just wont shut up and I have to blog about whats going on in my head so I can then go to sleep. Tonight is one of those nights so here I go, let me first say that I am in all means ok this is just what is going through my mind and it's good that it is happening cause it means my outlook is changing for the better. Or well that's what I take it to mean.

I honestly wish that after dad died that I never turned to food for comfort. That I had looked at the junk food in my hand and thought 18 years from now you will not be happy with your body if you eat this, you might feel better now but in the long run you will ask yourself why you did it. I wish I had listened to my mom all those times she told me that I didn't need to eat, that I was just bored or upset and that I was only hurting myself. Should of, would of could of. Oh how my life would have been different, or maybe not so much. Who knows.. I just know that as of right this minute I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would take away all this weight that I gained and make me healthier then I am.

I know it is going to take hard work and dedication and a complete change in life to get me where I want to go, I know that I have the strength to do it and the will power to do it. My problem is getting started then sticking with it I get so side tracked easily. I started out really well at the beginning of this year, I lost a lot of weight, then I went to California and once I came back I just stopped trying. I have tried a couple of times to get started but can't seem to get back on track again. I have gained a few pounds back, not a lot so that's good but still I gained. I'm not beating myself up over this cause what is, is. I can't change it, just learn from it and do better. I think if I had been Stricter with myself in California I wouldn't have done so bad, but it was vacation and I was having fun.

Winters up here are hard, due to lack of light and bitter cold temperatures at times, people tend to hibernate and stay indoors. I am one of those people, I love the winter and the snow but it's just to dang cold to go out and do anything. Plus I'm not all that well coordinated so I tend to fall A LOT in the winter due to ice or my own two feet. I'm proud to say I haven't bit it yet but we are only 1 month into winter.

Anyways, the things I have learned this year about myself are: I eat when bored, upset and mindlessly in front of the tv if I let myself, If my hands are busy I tend not to eat needlessly, if my mind is busy either reading or working on figuring out something like a counted cross stitch or knitting I don't eat, I do better when I don't bring junk food into the house, I do have self control and can manage to not eat all the junk food in one sitting for the most part. I love soda a little too much but am limiting my intake of it. I love tea doesn't matter if hot or iced, as long as I can have some equal in it I'm a happy chappy, I love eating apples, yogurt and smoothies, I can make a really good omelet and a not half bad pizza (yes I know pizza isn't good for ya), I love to cook and bake. The most important thing I learned about myself this year, is that I'm a good person and that as long as I don't beat myself down others wont either.

Where the *bleep* did the month go?

Where the bleep did November go? Last night (Friday) mom calls me up and tells me that the Big Craft show/bazaar that we like to go to is happening tomorrow (aka today) and that she will pick me up at 9:30 cause it starts at 10. It was after I hung up the phone that I realized it was the weekend before Thanksgiving, I got all confused cause I swear the month just started the other day and now we are at the end of the month. I can't believe how fast November has gone by or in that fact, how fast the year it's self has gone by. I feel like I was just in California and that was Back in May.

Yesterday Richard and I helped his department manager/friend Aj with his home remodeling project. Well more like Richard helped and I supervised or as I like to call it stupervised. It was so bloody cold outside and they were having to be outside to get to his attic so I would be out there till I couldn't take it any more then would go into the house to warm up. While there we got to meet his wife and 6 month old baby girl. They are a very nice couple and we have invited them over for dinner when things calm down for them a bit, which will be after Christmas. It will be nice to have a married couple to hang out with on occasion. Every other time that Richard and I have hung out with a couple, they never last, they end up breaking up or getting divorced. Ok well not every couple, my friend Kaori and her husband are doing good, but we only ever get to see them about a week or so once a year cause they live out of state at the moment. Don't get me wrong I love our single friends but at the same time, its nice to have a couple to hang out with too.

So it's 3:30 and I have been awake since 1:30 I think I'm going to go try and get some more sleep before mom shows up to take me to the craft show.

Creative Juices Flowing

I have all these ideas in my head of stuff to make out of polymer clay, only problem is, I don't have a lot of clay and only certain colors of clay at the moment. I need to go Clay shopping, but I need a ride and money to do so, so for now I will sit here and do some research on shapes and designs and see what I think I can do. I love working with the clay cause it seems to be the one art form I'm good at, I can't draw worth beans, I can trace really well but draw not so much. But with the clay it just kinda comes to me and I at the moment can make very simple things, I'm getting better and my work is improving a lot. I would probably improve faster if I was able to do it a lot more but alas I don't have the money to keep myself in a supply of clay.

I have this great idea for a Christmas gift for my brother, I just need to get the supplies and figure out where and how I'm going to get it put together, it will require paint and I'm not sure if I will spray paint it or buy the paint and paint it myself. It's going to be made out of Styrofoam so not quite sure what will be the best way to go about it, I know at one point I will be hand painting details onto it. Or I could make the base of it styrofoam and cover it with paper then just make the rest of the decorations out of paper as well, lot less mess to deal with there but then it wouldn't look right either. Hmmm......... I guess I still need to think a little bit more on that one.

Back to the clay, I might actually try and make earrings out of clay too, Richards grandma gave me the idea. I don't know how well they would hold up or what kind I would do if it would be stud earrings or the ones that dangle down. so going to do some research on that as well, man my creativity is just a flowing. Hopefully I will have some pictures to show you all as I get things made.

When did it happen to you?

I think we have all thought at one time or another while growing up, watching our parents and how they behave and what they say that and I quote " I will never do what they do, or act like them". I know I did and usually it was when mom was "embarrassing" me by complaining about something, or yelling at me about something I did. I swore to myself I would never act like her, I probably would have said it about both her and my dad but well he died when I was young so he never got to the "oh my god dad you are embarrassing me" years.

Anyways my question to you is when did you first start noticing that you were in fact turning into your parents? Every once in a while I say something but it isn't me saying it, it's my mom. I never catch it before it happens it's always afterwards and I'm going "oh god, I'm my mother!". Every great once in a while I catch a glimpse of her in me as well, I will do something and it would be just like she was doing it.

Even worse, when I was a teenager I don't even remember exactly how old I was prob about 14-15 years old, mom and I were in the car going somewhere and she was trying to open a drink while driving or something and I said "oh just give it here" took it from her and opened it, to which she said that I had just reminded her of grandma with what I said and how I acted. I was mortified at the fact that she had just compared me to my grandmother! But at the same time I thought it was funny that I skipped being her and went straight to grandma.

What's even better is when I am hanging out with mom and she says or does something and does the "Oh god, I'm turning into my mother!".

So my answer to my own question is, I was about 21 when I first started seeing my mom in me.