Monday, May 26, 2008

the passing of time

Fourteen years ago my life changed, I was only 10 years old, I lived in a world filled with barbie dolls, Saturday morning cartoons and if I was lucky donuts for breakfast on Sundays. There wasn't anything bad out to get me I was safe in my own little world or so I thought. That all changed when my dad got sick. Suddenly there was this thing called cancer and an even scarier thing called death. All I knew at that time about death was it took grandparents away so they could sleep and we would see them again some day soon. Dad went to the hospital for surgery, then chemo and Radiation, but was always home when I got home from school. He started spending more time in bed and got sicker and sicker. I would help my mom take care of dad when I was home from school and on the weekends. Soon it was to the point that dad didn't leave the house anymore, school was out for the year so I would take care of dad while mom was at work for 4 hours a day. Then it happened, the thing I thought could never happen, I was woken up at 6am by my mom on June 27th 1994 to the news that my dad had died in his sleep. I didn't want to believe her, I ran into their room to see cops standing there trying to figure out how to get his wedding ring and watch off. I watched as they got his ring off with liquid soap and struggled to find out how his watch worked. I spoke up through my tears and told them that I knew how to get his watch off, if they would let me I would do it. My hands were shaking so bad as I aproached my dad and grabed his wrist to unclasp his watch. I will never forget how cold he felt.
My mom, brother, our pastor and a friend and I all went out to breakfast so us kids wouldn't see dad be taken out of the house, none of us really ate much. I remember that we went to Village Inn, I don't know why I remember that but I do. When we got home dad was gone, I walked into their bedroom and saw his cross taped to the cable box I ripped it off and put it on so I could feel close to him. I stopped wearing it when the chain broke and I almost lost it. I still have his cross, it sits in my jewlery box, where it will stay. The last time I had it out was at my wedding, I had it in my flowers so he could be there with me.
Most of the time now, it feels like dad was never here, like he was some made up person. he's been dead my entire adult life. Hell most of my childhood years and my teen years. Thank god for that cause I don't think he would have liked teen me. I have changed a lot these last 14 years, I learned a lot about me and how I deal with what life has thrown at me. I'm stronger now too, but have abandonment issues. I know one things for sure and thats, that I am still daddys little girl.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Spring time and Slave labor

Sping has finally Sprung here in Alaska. I say this only because I noticed yesterday that the trees finally have little bitty grean leaves on them. A little later than usual but just as welcomed. Now if only it would either rain or clear off and be sunny, I am getting rather sick of the overcast days, its been this way for the last 3 weeks nothing but clouds no rain no sun just clouds.

So its gotten warmer out which means that Richard and I are starting to go out to the valley to work off the money we borrowed from his parents to help us get into our apartment that we are in now. We went out there last Sunday and then again yesterday. We are building his mom a planter in the back of the back yard. now they own about a 1/2 acre of land so from the house to the back of the lot is a walk and you get tired when you are hauling 50 pound bags of packing sand from the front of the house all the way to the end of the property. We are making this planter out of bricks, so needless to say its an on going process and we have many more trips to make out there. Yesterday I was playing with Charlie(their bosten terrier), hauling 50 pound bags of sand and 80 pound bricks. My mom wonders how I am getting so strong. Lets see, throwing a toy for a dog that doesn't know the meaning of quit, hauling sand and bricks hmmm I wonder. Needless to say my arms hurt today as well as my legs and feet.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Sleep the final frontier

Its 11pm do you know where I am supposed to be??? The answer is in bed, but here I sit talking to Jane through yahoo messenger wide awake, while Richard is snoring in the next room. I'm not the least bit tired which is weird seeing as how I was bored all day and that usually makes me tired enough to go to sleep but not tonight I guess. Plus to top it off I have a headache that won't go away unless I go to sleep. So no matter how you put it I'm screwed. Looking on the bright side at least the cat is leaving me alone. and its peaceful and no complaint from them yet. *knocks on wood*

Its May, its May, the wonderful month of May, OK well what am I talking about I don't know I tend to ramble and make no since when I want to sleep but can't. I will just go on and on about the stupidest things, of course its usually all in my head cause at this time of night there is no one around to talk to. Unless of course you count Jane, but I don't really talk to her I type to her. So its totally not the same.

And so with all this said and not making much since I go in peace, and Live long and prosper and all that good stuff. (and no I don't like Star trek I actually really really hate that show)

Saturday, May 3, 2008


So, no new complaints from the people above us, and they started parking in the middle of their spot instead of on the yellow line. But its the weekened and thats when they seem to like to complain so we will wait and see. Hopefully the landlord told them to more or less shove it with the complaints, of course in a nicer way than that.

Poor Richard caught the cold that I am still getting over, it is apparently going around town and doesn't like to go away, it likes to hang on for dear life. I only have a bit of a runny nose and the cough left but they don't seem to want to leave anytime soon. My hearing has basically gone back to normal too I am about 80% back to what it was before I got sick so almost there.

In other news worth talking about. My mom is in Grapevine TX for the next week. She is there for a conference and well mini vacation. Lucky her! I have always wanted to go to Texas but have never been able to get there. Maybe one of these days I will. I also have a spiffy new cell phone. My contract was up with my provider so mom and I went and got new phones and are now on a nation wide family plan so we share minutes between her, Richard and I. Its cheaper that way. So I now have a Motorola Razor and like it a lot, I'm still getting used to it but its so much lighter than my old phone (which Richard has) that I don't even notice I have it till it rings.